It's been spirit week here for the last 4 days. Each day there's some new theme: crazy hair day, pajama day, piss off your teacher by making a paper beard/mustache set and taping it to your face day......ok, that last one wasn't really one of our themes. That's my everyday reality: spirit week just adds a whole level of chaos to my surreal existence.
Today was school colors day. Each grade level wore a different color (thank god, we got black this time around. It's easier to dress in all black than to figure out which pair of pajamas you can wear to school without getting fired) and we counted how many students participated in our first period class.
Now, I'm pretty liberal when it comes to counting participation. A half-black sweatshirt will probably get you counted. However, several kids have to try and push that line to its naturally absurd extreme.
"Hey, I have black on my shoes!", Sam said, flashing the bottom of his sneakers, which had black treads. "I have a black binder!", shouts Caelan. "My shirt is mostly black, why didn't you count me?", demands Jack (point of clarification: Jack was wearing a bright red T-shirt with some black text on it. Maybe 5% of it was black, which would explain why Jack is failing math, if that's his definition of "mostly").
Yeah, nice try guys....
I had managed to deflect most of these comments when Braden stands up. "Hey, I'm wearing black!" he proudly proclaims, pulling up his shirt and yanking up the waistband of his underwear to show me he's wearing black briefs.
The other kids in the class suddenly look like they're all watching the same tennis match. As one, their heads all turn to stare at Braden, then swivel to gauge my reaction.
Actually, I'm not quite sure what the appropriate response is at this point either. First, the last thing I ever want to see is an 11-year old boy's underwear. Second, this is dangerous territory for any teacher: any rumor of impropriety can kill your career.
My head spun to look at the other, safer side of the room so fast I'm surprised I didn't give myself whiplash. "Um, Braden, sooooo not going there....."
"No really!" he interrupts me, "It's all black...." And, to my horror, he actually starts to unbutton his pants to he can show me his underwear is all black.
OMFG, I am NOT going to jail because I have a budding exhibitionist in my class!
Showing posts with label faux pas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faux pas. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Puppy Training
Students come up to me all the time having to go to the bathroom. I get like 10 a day. I wish they'd go during lunch or something (I have to) but I guess when the teacher lets you go to the bathroom, you don't waste precious socializing time going when you could be spending precious instructional time instead. However, I usually don't deny the students the right to go, though I may make them wait until I'm done teaching: the last thing I need is to have some kid pee on my floor!
Anyways, I had a student ask if he could go to the bathroom. "It's an emergency!" I hear this all the time from students who forget their hall pass. This student had his hall pass though, so I told him to fill out the date, location and time and bring it up to me for a signature. 5 minutes later, I noticed that he hadn't come up yet. So I walk over to him.
"You didn't get your hall pass signed. Didn't you want to go to the bathroom?"
"No, I don't need to go anymore."
This line always cracks me up. When you think about it, it's a funny statement coming from someone who swore it was an emergency. It's not like the urge suddenly goes away or anything. I laughed, told him that saying that was scary and left.
It never occurred to me that there is one time when you don't need to go anymore. When you've already gone.
Since I was cruising the opposite side of the room for most of the period, I didn't notice the large puddle that had formed under the boy. And he never raised his hand or said anything else. Until 20 minutes later. At the end of the period. He'd been sitting in a pair of soggy pants waiting for the end of class. Ugh. Needless to say, I sent him to the office and I'll think twice when the student swears it's an emergency.
Anyways, I had a student ask if he could go to the bathroom. "It's an emergency!" I hear this all the time from students who forget their hall pass. This student had his hall pass though, so I told him to fill out the date, location and time and bring it up to me for a signature. 5 minutes later, I noticed that he hadn't come up yet. So I walk over to him.
"You didn't get your hall pass signed. Didn't you want to go to the bathroom?"
"No, I don't need to go anymore."
This line always cracks me up. When you think about it, it's a funny statement coming from someone who swore it was an emergency. It's not like the urge suddenly goes away or anything. I laughed, told him that saying that was scary and left.
It never occurred to me that there is one time when you don't need to go anymore. When you've already gone.
Since I was cruising the opposite side of the room for most of the period, I didn't notice the large puddle that had formed under the boy. And he never raised his hand or said anything else. Until 20 minutes later. At the end of the period. He'd been sitting in a pair of soggy pants waiting for the end of class. Ugh. Needless to say, I sent him to the office and I'll think twice when the student swears it's an emergency.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Always preview your videos
I should have known this from the National Geographic Hyena Video Incident (did you know that hyena females have mock penises and mount each other to demonstrate dominance? I do now), but sometimes, I need a refresher on this point.
Today's lesson comes via a naughty Pompeii video. Students love Pompeii, with it's perfectly preserved artifacts and plaster-of-paris casts of victims that died nearly 2000 years ago. I was planning on previewing a new video I had acquired on the subject when i was accosted by one of the teachers as I walked in the door on Monday.
Her daughter works as a sub in our building, you see. And the teacher she was subbing for left her with no lesson plan, so she was high and dry on what to teach with the kids walking in the door in less than half an hour. This is a horrible situation for a sub to be in: the kids would have eaten her alive.
"Please, do you have a video? We need a science video to show them," Karen pleaded.
Now, I had this Pompeii video in my hand, but I haven't previewed it. I dithered for a moment, but seeing the panic in her eyes, I made what I know now was a horrible decision. I gave her the unpreviewed video and let her know that it hadn't been watched but it should be ok.
I heard nothing else about it yesterday, but quickly realized my error when i previewed the video today. It started off innocently enough describing the tragedy of those buried on that fateful day, but started getting a little racy when they started discussing the brothels. Apparently, tile mosaics in each room indicated the "services" that each woman provided. Still, the video did this flashlight thing that made most of the mosaics hard to make out, so I thought it would be mostly ok. Then, they showed the artifacts recovered from the brothel, and that's when the wheels really came off the wagon. There were statues with phalluses longer than they were tall. Wind chimes with penises instead of chimes. Labia lamps. I couldn't believe it!
I ran into Karen's room and apologized profusely for what I put her daughter through. I'm imagining the phone calls the school is going to get!
But Karen was confused. What was I talking about?
I quickly described the movie's more saucy points, and unbelievably, Karen started to laugh. "She didn't even watch it!" Karen crowed. "She said she sat at the teacher's desk and read a book. The kids were super quiet so she didn't think anything about it. Now I know why: they were trying not to draw her attention to what they were watching!"
I've already thrown away the Great Honking Penises of Pompeii video in the trash and if anyone asks, "I know nothing about this video, I have never heard of it." Remember that.
Today's lesson comes via a naughty Pompeii video. Students love Pompeii, with it's perfectly preserved artifacts and plaster-of-paris casts of victims that died nearly 2000 years ago. I was planning on previewing a new video I had acquired on the subject when i was accosted by one of the teachers as I walked in the door on Monday.
Her daughter works as a sub in our building, you see. And the teacher she was subbing for left her with no lesson plan, so she was high and dry on what to teach with the kids walking in the door in less than half an hour. This is a horrible situation for a sub to be in: the kids would have eaten her alive.
"Please, do you have a video? We need a science video to show them," Karen pleaded.
Now, I had this Pompeii video in my hand, but I haven't previewed it. I dithered for a moment, but seeing the panic in her eyes, I made what I know now was a horrible decision. I gave her the unpreviewed video and let her know that it hadn't been watched but it should be ok.
I heard nothing else about it yesterday, but quickly realized my error when i previewed the video today. It started off innocently enough describing the tragedy of those buried on that fateful day, but started getting a little racy when they started discussing the brothels. Apparently, tile mosaics in each room indicated the "services" that each woman provided. Still, the video did this flashlight thing that made most of the mosaics hard to make out, so I thought it would be mostly ok. Then, they showed the artifacts recovered from the brothel, and that's when the wheels really came off the wagon. There were statues with phalluses longer than they were tall. Wind chimes with penises instead of chimes. Labia lamps. I couldn't believe it!
I ran into Karen's room and apologized profusely for what I put her daughter through. I'm imagining the phone calls the school is going to get!
But Karen was confused. What was I talking about?
I quickly described the movie's more saucy points, and unbelievably, Karen started to laugh. "She didn't even watch it!" Karen crowed. "She said she sat at the teacher's desk and read a book. The kids were super quiet so she didn't think anything about it. Now I know why: they were trying not to draw her attention to what they were watching!"
I've already thrown away the Great Honking Penises of Pompeii video in the trash and if anyone asks, "I know nothing about this video, I have never heard of it." Remember that.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wanna get away?
Vacation is winding down (technically, today is a work day for me. I'll tell you about that in a later post), so I figured I'd share one more humorous story from the past before I start back.
One of the teachers came into the staff lounge with a quarter and an interesting story. Turns out, the students had created a new game. They draw circles on a sheet of binder paper with point scores (smaller circles have bigger points). Then, you color one side of a quarter with a marker. You slap the quarter on your forehead, color side against your head, and lean over the paper. if the quarter lands inside any circle, you earn that many points (but the entire quarter has to be inside). If the color side landed up, you double the points in the circle. The person with the most points at the end of the game wins.
"But here's the catch:," she said, "the game is actually a practical joke. By slapping the color side on your forehead, you transfer the marker to your skin, and that means you have a big, colorful circle on your forehead until you realize this and wash it off."
We all laughed, and I asked the teacher if the students had found anyone stupid enough to pull the prank on yet.
The room suddenly became silent, and nervous eyes turned to the side of the room. I followed their gaze and saw the vice principal, mercifully oblivious to our conversation, furiously scrubbing a large, red circle off his forehead.
One of the teachers came into the staff lounge with a quarter and an interesting story. Turns out, the students had created a new game. They draw circles on a sheet of binder paper with point scores (smaller circles have bigger points). Then, you color one side of a quarter with a marker. You slap the quarter on your forehead, color side against your head, and lean over the paper. if the quarter lands inside any circle, you earn that many points (but the entire quarter has to be inside). If the color side landed up, you double the points in the circle. The person with the most points at the end of the game wins.
"But here's the catch:," she said, "the game is actually a practical joke. By slapping the color side on your forehead, you transfer the marker to your skin, and that means you have a big, colorful circle on your forehead until you realize this and wash it off."
We all laughed, and I asked the teacher if the students had found anyone stupid enough to pull the prank on yet.
The room suddenly became silent, and nervous eyes turned to the side of the room. I followed their gaze and saw the vice principal, mercifully oblivious to our conversation, furiously scrubbing a large, red circle off his forehead.
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